My main man died. My guru. My greatest lesson of love. Here’s how he impacted me

My main man died last week. My guru. My love. My greatest lesson of love. Here’s how he impacted me at a soul level. 

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My first soul to soul connection to a camel happened back in 2012. It was completely unexpected (as was meeting camels in the first place)

It was a dark desert night, the moon was new. We spent the day walking through the desert as we listened to the tinkering of the camel’s bells. The camp fire was the only beacon of light in the desert. Over a sand dune it disappears completely. 

Just beyond the flicker of the campfire sat the camels. Tethered to trees & shrubs which they would feed on all night as we [the humans] lay close in our swags listening to the gentle chewing of their cud.

I ambled over to the heard of sleepy camels, without intention to give them instructions, but rather, just to ‘be one’ with them, for now at least. 

As a kid I always found simply being in the presence of an animal can tell you a lot more about ‘who they are’ than any explanatory book.

I was new to camels. Like only weeks new. I needed to get to know them, least did I know they already knew me!

It was calm amongst the herd of camels. Barely a noise at all, except for the calmness of their cud chewing. 

I stood amongst them for a short while, closed my eyes and gave it all up... Surrendered.

Surrendered the past, present & future for no reason at all, but to allow the desert to perform its magic that happens when all human resistance subsides. 

Intuitively I walked up to a camel, from a dark distance I couldn’t tell who it was. I was simply drawn. As I got closer I realised it was Syhid. The trusted elder amongst our herd of camels (and humans). The fire keeper. The gentlest camel of all, in mind, body & spirit.

I began to stoke his neck, without any intention of invading his space and ‘his’ time.

Long, soft strokes down his extended neck in the direction of his fur. He instantly felt the calm I was offering - THE offering. My offering to him. My namaste to him. He gently lowered his head to the soft fine sand on the desert floor. 

I sat beside him. Offering my openness to him. I want to know him & understand him. Syhid already understood me.

As I sat on his folded leg and nestled into his shoulder I felt an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. It felt like magic. 

I sat with him, open to what I could experience in this very unique time and moment. I instantly began to appreciate the uniqueness of this moment and offered it ALL to the wider universe as I thought of all other humans beings that might need this moment too. 

Then, I felt tears steaming down my face. For no apparent reason. I felt happy. Fulfilled. No problems or life choices haunted my mind. I felt LOVE for the first time in a long time, and it touched me deeply & soulfully. I loved this love & it loved me back so unconditionally & without held intentions. 

God, Goddess, The Universe, Divine, Allah.... LOVE was all present. Offering this gift that is available to all of us.

This is what Syhid meant (means) to me. He taught me love, again, and this particular memory is nestled in my mind, in a quiet corner with a campfire light guiding the way for whenever I need to remember love again. 

Syhid’s body has left this physical earth, but he is not dead to me.

He generously offered me this gift through a soul to soul connection. It had my name engraved all over it and this lives on deep in my soul, and when I need reminders of what love truly is, I remember this.

My main man. My guru. My love.

The gentlest of the gentle giants. 


(Arabic name meaning Gentleman - how fitting!)


P.S. Want More of this? Sign up to get me into your inbox. Let’s connect!

P.P.S. Wanna go soul deep with camels with me? Find out more about my Healing Power Of Camels Womens Retreat HERE

Affirmations Mantras & Tapping: How to know if it's helping you?

Do you ever wonder if all that Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Tapping is working?

What about all those positive affirmations & mantras that you have rattling in your head?

I wondered this myself too, but know I can know for sure, with this easy & simple ‘test’, that if all my hard, inner work has paid off.

My beautiful friend & Amazing healer Nicole taught me a way I could tear myself & my subconscious beliefs and today I want to share that with you.

Watch the video below….

Reference mentioned:

Nicole’s site:


~ Tara

My biggest regret in running a business

I’m just gunna come right out and say it, if you’re a business owner or you have an idea for a business or you simply know that you don’t want to work a 9 to 5 job any longer, then consider me as your friend. Like any good friend would tell you about any good product and service. As a friend would if you are feeling stuck, unsure on direction I would want to fly to your rescue. It’s in my personality. You’ve gotta problem - I wanna help fix it, give a solution, hell even give you the answer! 

I resisted recommending things to you for a long time - mainly because I’d be paid a “commission” for recommendations. Then I realised that I’m doing you wrong - I’m sorry! 

One thing I know for sure, and if you’re anything like me you “wonder” what some business owners ‘do’ in order to make things work, I have a few hidden treasures in my Tool Kit of growing a business on and offline. There are some things that have had made a MAJOR impact and that I wished I had done sooner - the struggle is real!

This one thing that I’m about to shout at you - if you’re a person who wants to grow your business to heights still unknown to yourself or you simply want to ‘start’ a business and just don’t know where to ‘start’ - is an amazing program that I denied myself the pleasure of doing and completing for about…. I dunno…A ridiculous….. 4 years.

I think of all the places I could have been by now!

Anyho….dispite my great regret for not doing this incredibly amazing program sooner rather than latter, I also regret not telling others about it (expect  bragging to Russell on how much our business has grown because of this ‘program’).

Being an entrepreneur/business owner feels lonely sometimes, and truth be it, I don’t have enough fellow entrepreneur/business owner friends to brag about our business with. The other truth is that, well, I’m a bit of a hippy, which can make life and business feel a lot more lonely. If there’s an “alternative” way to do something - I’ll be doing it (or have done it). Sometimes this has served me in great manners, other times I should have just NOT re-invented the wheel.

This personality trait of mine can be a dis-service to me, and maybe you can relate…..?

I think (sub-conciously - Obv!) that I HAVE to do things the harder, more challenging way in business (ha! sometimes life too), or otherwise how will ever be a REAL business owner and entrepreneur…?

I’ve read enough books to know that building a business, wealth and life that you love the shit outta, takes HARD fucking work, but what I didn’t realise, until now, that when reading those books I was, in fact, taking on other people’s baggage of ‘taking the hard path’ when in fact in most of the books what they were really trying to say is “Hey, I didn’t know better. I chose the hard path. It was my mindset that got me here or there…” Well, HELLO SUNSHINE!

As you know, our culture REWARDS hard work. Rewards it! I’m a little confused though, because our culture also rewards WEALTH…. Hhhhmmmmm…… It’s no wonder we’re all confused (and struggling to pay bills)! Yet the enternpuers that I have secret crushes on are business owners and are wealthy - not just financially either. 

I know, I know, don’t believe everything you read, but one of my super powers is that I can see right through non-transpacey, my BS radar does not allow for anything less. So I know bullshit (BS) when I see it - even on instagram!

So these entenupuers that I have crushes don’t endorse ‘hard work’, as we know it (hard one to believe if you’re a workaholic - or recovering - like me), but rather endorse commitment. They encourage rest & play (remember those things exists outside of work?) and of course following your true ‘calling’ or purpose (and that can/will change as you grow).

So now I know, with social proof, that business is possible without running yourself into the ground, but you gotta be committed, with a smart actionable plan AND from someone who has grown a business and pullin' a profit.

Like I said I denied myself this very simple investment and I truly believe, and learnt a hard lesson, that I could have been a lot further ahead if I had said “yes” in the first place. 

Let me tell you, Marie Forleo’s B-School is truly a game changer of business owners, wanna be business owners, entrepreneurial minded people…. I ONLY know this because, hello, that’s me! 

Maybe you’ve seen some of Marie’s work, maybe you’re like “what the feck is Tara talking about?” either way, I must say that I’ve personally had a girl crush on Marie for around 8 years (and signed up for her B-School 3 years ago < insert regret >).

As a friend, I hope you trust me enough to learn that you need to do B-School  if you own a business, want to start one, even if you have no idea what you want to do, but wanna get outta the rat race, then NOW IS THE TIME!

You’ve heard my regrets of not doing it soon enough etc etc… So, learn from my ‘hard path’ and get your butt over to her free biz trainings to help you get a clear vision for your future. 

At the end of the free trainings Marie will offer her full blown, amazing, total return on investment B-School program and if you sign up through me here, with this link, your helpful friend giving a helping hand, I will get a commission for it (full transparency here).

So go through the free training, join my private Facebook page HERE so we can talk, mind boggle, brag, have fun and get this biz of yours where you dream it to be in your life without selling your soul. You won’t regret THIS!

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I never thought that I had it, until recently. 

I feel a bit dumb to say that it only took me 10 years to realise, but I get the feeling that I’m not alone. 

Now, I’m always on guard, ready and somewhat prepared for when the beast pokes its head - otherwise known as Anxiety. 

There are many tell tale signs of when the beast is trying to peak its head, everyone’s signs are different, but for me recently, I found the most funny one to date, yet I’d been doing it for years (even before kids, so can’t blame them)!

I’d ‘hold on’ when needing to pee, because I thought that the things that I needed to do in my head held much higher priority than a basic human need. Right…!?

This is one of the many signs that pile on top of one another to make up the beast, but the above one is what’s making me write to you right now, because when you put such a ridiculous ‘first sign of anxiety’ in broad daylight it seems ridiculous, because it is. Note to self (and you): We’re not ridiculous, the anxiety symptom is. It is real, but doesn’t have to be tolerated. 


You see a big part of the reason that I believed I didn’t have anxiety (or want to come to terms with it) for over a decade was because I honesty thought that ALL the feelings I felt were relevant and trying to teach me something, and that I HAD to feel them… All!

The reasons I felt my heart beat faster and faster without any obvious reason was because something wasn’t right: “it’s probably the people I’m with, or the ice cream I just ate or that alcoholic drink I had last night, my kids energy, the moon, Donald Trump…”

It could be all or none of those things that contribute to the larger story, but the truth is that I should have just named it what it is… ANXIETY!

Some people are really harsh towards people who have anxiety, shunning their behaviours, thinking that they should “know better” and forgetting about the chemical imbalances in the brain that cause anxiety in the first place. These people either deny their own imbalances, lack empathy or are simply just being dickheads. 

I know this, because I was one of those people that lack empathy & that suffered from being a dickhead. I did not excuse any behaviour - especially my own! I was a hard arse!

“Where’s the perfect at people….!?”

The thing is, that I didn’t want to excuse any of my “behaviours” by labelling myself, because that would be an unacceptable (in my books at least) excuse that I’m not living out my full potential.

All this would mean is…. I’m not enough. I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not a good example to anyone. I’m not… I’m not…. I’m not….

As I get older and wiser I can feel the anxiety stirring inside of me and immediately I go into “fight” mode, but fighting makes it sooooo much worse. Pushing through it, shoving it down again and again, only makes the beast more aggravated. 

I truly believe that anxiety is a gift, to us all. There’s not a sure way of knowing what really causes each individual cases of anxiety, it could be PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), big changes in life, grief, abuse (verbal or physical), food intolerances, ASD (Autism spectrum disorder) just to name a few. I’m not an expert on anxiety, but I am a barer of it. 

I (maybe like you) hold that invisible flag high while I second guess every move I make in life wondering if I’m good enough yet…

Then there are the massive highs that comes with having anxiety pumping through your veins. You’re driven and feel know that you can do anything that you set your mind to… High one life baby! 

Then can come the plunge into the deep dark ocean where you doubt everything, but mostly yourself. 

Anxiety still is such a taboo subject even though (in Australia at least) 1 in 7 people have anxiety. You’re more likely to have it if you’re a woman and even MORE likely to have it if you’re a woman raising kids! 

So the beast has risen and is on the rise within our communities. Within our families. Within ourselves. There’s not one thing that causes anxiety, it’s ALWAYS a combination. 

My beloved asks me “What are you feeling anxious about….?” 

I used to feel compelled to HAVE to know the answer and if I didn’t, I’d get mad at myself and drift deeper into the dark ocean.  

But now I realise that there’s not ONE THING that makes the beast raise its head, it’s a combination of all sorts of thoughts, feelings, imbalances, food intolerance, environmental conditions, vulnerability etc etc.

It’s not my job to know all the things that make anxiety rise within me,  in fact I’d pretty much have to stop doing almost everything beside sleep if I didn’t want the beast to rise its head. 

I love my anxiety. It’s a beautiful beast that reminds me that life isn’t perfect and I’m not supposed to be perfect either. 

When I’ve dove into the deep dark ocean I felt alone, isolated, I feel ALL the feels, but when I come up for air the gratitude that is in my heart is beyond words and I give thanks to the beast, and myself, for always knowing that I can always come up for air. 

Weirdly enough, learning to live with anxiety is my passion. 

I wished I’d known sooner about how anxiety affects my life. I’m not perfect and never will be, but I choose to consistently evolve as a human “being” and I want to offer help, guidance and a “you’re a bloody awesome chick” to women who suffer (and I say ‘suffer’ because it is suffering) from anxiety. 

One thing I know for sure, is that we’re NOT WIRED to try to figure all this out on our own. We are wired for CONNECTION and we need each other. I wanna help - I mean why couldn’t I? We all want to help each other in one way or another and the best ways I can help you right now is in two ways:

Offer you a (free) copy of my excitingly new eBook + Audio:

A ‘Wildly Different’ Woman’s Guide To Anxiety & Depression is where I share my deepest darkest personal stories of anxiety and I share snippets from my personal journey on how I manage my anxiety with lifestyle & mindset changes. To access this eBook sign up HERE. This is not about FIXING ANYTHING as you are not broke (even though it can feel like it at times). Let me show you…

The second way I can help you is for you to join (or host me) for an Essential Oils For Anxiety workshop/class:

There’s so many aroma’s that I want you to be aware of so that you can take a load off your mind and let your soul speak, this is what oils do for me. Plus, it’ll be a fun gathering with lots of laughs and raw chocolate ( < mandatory). Either in-person or online you can book a class or talk with me about oils click HERE for more details on that.

Using Essential Oils has had a massive impact on my life - everyone has been saying how clear my skin is, but it’s not from skincare products, its wellbeing from the inside out ~ Body, Mind & Spirit. I wanna share this with you, and I just know you’ll love what I have to share.

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This journey of yours is precious. It’s yours. It’s what makes you, you. Loving it, with warts + all, will help you find that deep inner happiness (again), that we all crave so much.

I’m with ya + I’m cheering for ya!

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There wasn't a moment of me staring out a window contemplating life’s biggest decisions. 


There was no ‘dramatic’ moment when I decided I wouldn’t’ do it ever again. 

It was gradual. 

It was mostly unspoken, but through those gradual moments I’d made a commitment. 

You know how ‘they say’…”Never say Never….” Well….

I've started, now my 5th, MLM (multi level marketing) business with doTERRA Essential Oils.

My FIFTH MLM people! Does that say something… Yes it does!

Firstly, if you were like me and committed to never doing another MLM biz model again - welcome, you’re gunna love this. If you’re on the flip side and have never had any experience with a MLM you’re still in good company and will gain insight from what I’m about to say. 

To be honest, I used to always get this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach when talking to people about MLM’s, because some people have very strong opinions of them to the point that if they know someone is involved with one they’ll ‘de-friend’ you - which is great, because you don’t want those kinda people in your life anyhow, harsh, but true. Maybe they’ve had a bad experience in one or with someone in one, that does not make you (or me) that person’s issue. 

Now I gotta get this outta the way….

I really do not understand why people get so caught up in the “is this a pyramid scheme?'“ thing, because, hello…. Any workplace has the boss/CEO at the top of the ‘pyramid’ and it’s workers below. 

The beginning of my MLM Journey…

Like I said above, this (my doTERRA biz) is my 5th multi level marketing biz. 

I had to let this blog post ‘sit’ in my head for a while, because I kinda lost count of all the MLM business I’ve been in, but one thing is obvious, there’s something I like about the MLM biz models - and I know what it is…

I bet you’re edging to hear what MLM business I’ve tried and failed at? Let’s start right at the beginning when I was 14 - not even legal age.

I grew up in an Amway family - remember Amway…? When you say multi level marketing people say “Oh… The Amway pyramid scheme”. 

Amway, I believe, were/are definitely successful at what they did & changed many lives - I saw it with my own eyes. I have no idea if they’re still ‘alive’ or not….Okay just did a quick Google - looks like they’re still growing strong… Anyhow…

I grew up listening to all the Amway cassette tapes - remember cassette tapes? In these tapes successful Amway ‘Dimonds’ (top rank) spoke about their journey to financial freedom and how they got there. I remember a lot of those stories, very inspiring and the music to match - Eye of The Tiger! 

All the stories had one thing in common - the people gave attention to their desire more than their fear.

I saw my step-father try and fail with all things Amway, my opinion was he was just getting in his own way (even a 14 year could see that). I had made a decision, that I was going to be an Amway ‘Dimond’ before 21 years old (in other words a millionaire by 21) - yep, didn’t reach that, but the foundations & discipline that Amway gave me set me up for life. I became a personal development junkie. Reading 3-4 books a month on all things mindset and building business (still between the ages of 14 & 17). I understood the importance of keeping the mind active and on track with my hearts desires.

I’d never successfully pursued an Amway business, but found myself continuing on this path of discovery… There’s something I LOVED about the Multi Level Marketing biz model….

Between the ages of 18 (legal age) and 32 I found myself being a great candidate to fellow MLM people. I had drive, determination, understood mindset etc.

I’ve tried my hand in four other multi level marketing business from self development products to organic skin care. I was in search of something that spoke ‘me’ and wasn’t afraid to give things a go.

then I decided that the only way something will speak ‘me’ is if I created it. 

Tried my hand in Life Coaching off my own bat - loved it, but energetically draining, plus I was in a crisis of my own - a divorce - so didn’t have the energy to spare (alongside 2 kids under 3).

I’ve tried my biz hand in horse training. Card readings. Crystal healing & jewellery making. Social media marketing manger. Digital design. Video editing. Biz coaching (ironic). Full time travel blogger. Writer. Filming…. the list goes on.

All of these experience I do not regret for one moment, they all taught me very important lessons, gave me more experience and most of them were fun! But, the feeling of ‘failure’ does linger, not externally, but internally. 

I started to doubt myself, that I didn’t have a ‘calling’. 

I was getting analysis paralysis. 

I felt bound by my own self. Even though on the outside I was still pursuing dreams and ‘making things happen’ - the internal struggle was real. 

Then came my beloved and his 8 camels, then everything changed. 

Camel’s have this amazing ability to help you feel grounded. They are very grounded creatures. ‘Flight’ isn’t in their nature. They stand proud of ‘who they are’. And my favourite, they don’t give a shit what anyone thinks of them, but they love unconditionally regardless. 

6 years we’ve been running our camel business. It’s seen us through some good and very bad times. Challenges are abound - everywhere, but that helps me (us) grow. 

I have a deep love and connection with our camel business… for the camel. I know that the world’s people needs more ‘camel’ in their life and it’s my calling to teach/speak that.

But, running a service based business isn’t sustainable… 

If someone gets sick. Dies. Has a major accident. Hell, even gets the flu… Guess what, business stops too. 

And to be honest, that would be heartbreaking - as this is part of my purpose!

We’re a small company of two. I don’t want to manage staff. I don’t want to deal with big overheads (anymore). I want to LIVE out my sole (soul) purpose, despite how often that changes. 

What does this have to do with a MLM business….?

Well, theres are reason people are drawn to them, and why I am too and in particular to doTERRA biz model.

Firstly, it’s a business model that’s proven.

P R O V E N ! 

I can tell you, there is not a proven thing about our camel biz model, the only thing proven is our determination, creativity and mindset, but I was looking for more stability, something I could lean into and eventually take some damn time off!

The resistance is real. I’ve never been overly successful in a multi level marketing biz before… what’s the difference now…?

I had to have a strong heart to heart with myself and say “you gotta be fucking kidding me…? You’d rather work to the bone again and again and not follow an already proven business plan with a product you use everyday… what’s wrong with you girl…??!!!”

And that was it, few days later I gave into the Tara within and decided to give another MLM a go - taking the path of least resistance - which is Sooooooo unlike me (I like to reinvent everything)!

I was surprised that doTERRA ticked all the practical, logical & heart centred boxes for me: 65% customer retention rate kinda said something, not to mention the very generous compensation plan and outta this world support and leadership - and did i mention their amazing, healing, nurturing essential oils? A product I use every day! No brainer really. 

I’ve never quite seen a biz model like doTERRA not to mention the high success rates that weren’t bullshit!

Once I saw how doTERRA gives back through their foundation, in particular to help rescue underage girls from child sex slavery (the exact cause that I did a charity camel trek for back in 2014) I was hooked! in fact, it occurred to me that this was all the values we aimed for in our camel biz and life too.

Not to mention… the leadership & support of like-minded people (scarily like-minded - ha!) truly is a dream come true for me and is exactly what I asked for while journalling one fine morning in late 2018.

Some other MLM’s I’ve been in have been 110% NON transparent and encouraged you to do the same… 

Ever seen those ads like “How I retired and began to travel full time?”… then you have to enter your details (even phone number)… Then get called within a day. Truthfully it’s like being called by a telemarketer - you just never know what they’re going to try ‘sell’ you and I’ve had some even mess with me mind!


But this is not what doTERRA is about. Every advocate I’ve stalked have all openly said “I’m a doTERRA wellness advocate” so for me that speaks volumes about the company itself.

And… like my own camel company I’m in loooove.

So why did I commit to myself to never enter an MLM biz model again, then did…?

It’s all my own baggage. 

My thoughts. 

My feelings. 

My denial of opportunity. 

My denial of my own full potential.

All my own bullshit - Those really un-true things I’ve been telling myself.

For over two years now I’ve been looking at ways to simplify my biz & life.

I’ve been looking for more sustainability and it’s getting there with our camel biz, but I want it quicker so I can make a bigger impact in this world - I wanna give away my time, money & energy more (to others, but especially to my own family). 

I’ve always known freedom to look like more time with family, doing important philanthropy ventures and less time trading time for dollars. 

Most women feel this way - right!?

Over the past few years of loosing our son Noah (3 days old) and my brother Corey (32yo) I’ve learnt that life is to be enjoyed as much as possible and to make the biggest positive impact that you can.

The way our newborn son, Noah, impacted not just our lives, but many other friends, family even strangers was mind blowing. We all have that power. The only thing in our own way is ourselves. 

I believe that wholehearted, because I’ve felt the pain of ‘loosing’ in life and the only way out is through it, finding the specs of joy, so they begin to multiply.

The most important questions I’ve had to ask myself is….

“What brings you joy…?” 

For me it’s my family (fury ones included), quality time with loved ones, giving generously, serving others in a heart centred way & having all the support I need in order to help others in my life & biz.


What brings you joy…? 

It does take time to figure out the ‘how’ to follow your joy, but once you try the ‘joy boots’ on for size it will begin to multiply.

Life is too damn short not to follow your joy! 

The things that light you up - reality speaking if you’re ‘lit up’ it will inspire other therefore they become ‘lit up’ too - win win!

I used to hate that phase, “life is too short”…. until I lost family to physical death at young ages. Then I began to understand it. 

I’m going to openly say - as I’d hate for you to miss the opportunity if you wanted to learn more - if you wanna learn more about doTERRA essential oils even the biz aspect, start here on my website, I’d be honoured to journey this with you.

If this post has inspired you to take action on something that’s been on your mind for a while now, that you inwardly know will bring you joy - take that first step, even if it’s a baby step - do it!

If you want more 'camel action’, you can visit our Camel Connection website here and consider joining one of our live events - I love meeting fellow camel lovers!

So that’s me and my biz journey so far.

Tell me about yours and any takeaways you got form this post! Leave a comment below, or connect with me on social.

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The Death of My Newborn Son ~ Noah’s Story ~

Death is a stab in the heart and a shock to the body, regardless if its an expected death or unexpected. 

On the flip side it can be a soul enriching experience.

Noah, born on an early morning in summer, December 16th 2015, passed on December 19th 2015. Entirely grateful that you held on for four days so we could tell you how much we love you!

I come from a rural town in East Gippsland, Victoria, Australia. Russell (my beloved) and I built a 'camel business' over the past 4 years and live on a small camel farm East Gippsland. We're self employed and include our other 3 (living) children in our family business and the unique lifestyle of growing up with camels.

Never could we have planned for Noah's death or thought that a child we wanted to welcome into our family and watch grow wouldn't eventuate.

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It's something all parents refuse to think about. "How would I cope" and our answer usually is "not at all", but the human mind and body is an amazing thing and having goals (such as my Charity Camel Trek) and meaning behind death and why it happens has been a huge healing part in my journey (which began on 19th December 2015, on Noah's passing day).

I really do believe that everything happens for a reason or that we should create a 'reason' so I grasped this opportunity to extend my healing path of a broken heart to share what a cuddle cot meant to not only me, but my entire immediate family. 

Our son ~ Noah ~ experienced a traumatic birth…

He suffer shoulder dystocia which is a 'freak event' when the shoulders get lodged on the pelvis, my pelvis bone, and the baby gets stuck.

The 'freak' part of this kind of birth is that there is no sure way of telling it could happen to 'you'. And when it's happening it's a complete medical emergency. Some cases are less serious than others, in our Noah's case it was fatal.

Oxygen was starved to him as he was lodged in my pelvis. Having birthed three babies naturally and without any complications or pain relief in the past the thought of birth killing my baby never ever crossed my mind. I knew that this was what women were designed to do!

I was part of a completely different world before Noah came to us. Quite an ignorant world to say the least. Yeah I knew babies die in all sorts of different circumstances, but that would never happen to ME! It did. My baby did die. 

Noah lived for four days on life support

He couldn't function any organ in his body on his own. His brain didn't have enough cells left to communicate with his organs. He was fighting the machines and medications that were keeping him alive. As his parents we had to listen to what he was trying to tell us.

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When babies are newborns it's essential to read their needs and desires. Hungry, breast feed, squirmy, need a nanny change, crying, need to be held. Simple yet demanding things they are.

I never thought I would be reading and listing to my baby asking us if we can pass him on….

Turn off his support so he can go back to where he came from. Leave us behind, his longing parents that wanted to see him play with our three other children and learn from them.

My 7yo daughter who desperately wanted to mother him and specifically said she couldn't wait to see him crawl. All this dreams and plans gone. To only realise that we [as humans] only ever live in hope, because there is a life force much bigger than us that has its own plans. 

As parents we had to make the hardest yet easiest decision of our life…

to let our baby boy go beyond the human existence and be out of pain and suffering (the easy decision).

How can there be such contrast of such a decision!? We wanted him in our life. We made way in our already busy life for him. My body was ready for him with leaking milk from the beasts. I had fat stores for me to feed off with all the energy expended of caring for a newborn. All this preparation, gone out the window. 

Day four of Noah's life, we let him go. 

We had a beautiful passing ceremony for him with just us- mum and dad - outside in a courtyard with nature. We let him go. Noah was happy to go.  We were happy that he was happy.

Before making the decision the hospital staff gave us many different open ended options to pass Noah on. We're eternally grateful for this. They mentioned the cuddle cot. At that time I had no idea what they were talking about, my mind was on other things. 

After Noah passed away I wrapped him up on my in a baby wearing wrap that I had planned to carry him in as a newborn. It was heaven!

Complete heaven having my baby so close to me. My body craved it. My soul craved it. 

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Noah spent a few hours on me, in his wrap. It was quite surreal having a deceased body on me. 

Something I thought I would never experience. I kissed him lots, smelt his hair, that beautiful newborn smell of your own flesh and blood.

We went to our beautiful private room with bright coloured curtains with butterfly's on it and the cuddle cot was there.

My first instinct is to keep Noah warm, but the opposite was going to give us more time with him. We placed him in his cot. He look adorable. Just beautifully pure and with a relaxed happy face.

I stood over the cot and admired his beautiful body. We choose not to cloth him. We wanted him just as he came. 

We spent many hours with him. Admiring him from the cuddle cot, placing him between us on the bed as we would have at home.

We tried replicating all the things we 'would have done' with him at home in our short hours with him, our one night. 

The following morning we decided to go home. We lived four hours from the hospital which we were at.

Naturally we didn't want to had our baby to a stranger to be transported to our rural home town. So we took him home.

We drive him ‘home’. Actually he never came ‘home’.

We had to take him direct to the funeral home to be placed in the morgue. The days were hot in December so we knew the home idea wasn't s good option. We didn't feel comfortable to place Noah in the fridge. 

So we parted ways with our newborn son until we came a few days later to prepared his body for cremation and give our last kisses and cuddles. 

It was heartbreaking not to bring him home. We wished we could have. We wished the Noah's siblings got to cuddle him, kiss him... Just hold him and tell him how much they love him. But we didn't have that option. There are no cuddle cots in our rural area. 

The death of a baby isn't talked about much… 

There's very little awareness that 6 babies in Australia die each day, the only way I found this out was it to happen to me. 

It is not culturally accepted to grieve in a way that feels right to an individual. But, death is part of life.

As traumatic and heart breaking it can be it still needs to be acknowledged. It needs to be honoured, the entire process fro letting someone go onto another world to taking the necessary  time to grieve. It's essential to life. It's essential to those that have passed on. 

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We're grateful of the short time we got to have with Noah…

but in all honesty it would have been truly healing and special to our whole family to have brought him home with a cuddle cot, which is why I decided to make that possible for other bereaved parents by fudnrastng during my Charity Camel Trek.